Monday, February 22, 2010

173: Engagement Troubles: Why Are We Getting Married?

I'm sorry for all of the emotional posts lately. I've been in a weird place the last few months, but I'm hoping I'll be out of it soon after I get a couple of things straightened away. I've thought of writing this post in a multitude of ways, mostly focusing on siblings and sibling rivalry, but as I found that more and more issues were bothering me (some I didn't even realize until I vented to Josh), it spiraled into writing about why we are getting married. I'm warning you now: this one is kind of long.

First, I'll tell you a little about some of my stressors that were piling up before I finally vented to Josh (there's a main reason, then little reasons why I feel that way, just so you're not confused).

The main stressor was that I felt that no one cares about our wedding, and that by the time our wedding comes around, people (especially on Josh's side) will be so wrapped up in other family member's events that our wedding won't be about celebrating with us, but those who are having other imporant things happen to them (there are many exciting events within a month of our wedding).

Little Stressor #1: We've been engaged for over a year at this point. Yes, I know that it's not as exciting for everyone else as it is for me, but the last few months I've felt that no one has asked how wedding plans are coming, what we're going to do, what's left to do (really, especially since I've vented, I've noticed 2 people ask me over the weekend-I've probably been oblivious if others have asked because of the funk I was in).

Little Stressor #2: Josh's cousin, Q, is getting married just over a month before us. While I'm extremely happy for them, I feel that Josh's side of the family won't be as happy for us, because Q's wedding is so new and I feel that they will compare that wedding to mine and be judging it. Her mom might be doing flowers for us, so with worrying about her daughter's wedding, I'm constantly worried that she won't want to do them, or that she will do them, but later not want to. BM/FSIL AM is also helping out a lot with this wedding, so I fear that she won't want to do anything for ours.

Little Stressor #3: This one is a little bigger than the others. BM/FSIL AM is preggers. I'm so so so happy that it finally happened for them! The problem is, she's been causing me a TON of stress lately. The baby is due 2 weeks before the wedding day (which is a great wedding present, and I get to pick out it's outfit, but it's close, and who knows how she'll feel that day). She's supposed to be helping me with assembling programs, which she may not want to do. I fear that everyone at the wedding will want to see this baby and not celebrate with us. She's also been really stressing me out about the dress situation. She's told me that I should let everyone choose their own dresses like she did. You already saw the difficulty I've had deciding on the dresses, and how I came to the decision. She's going to need a maternity dress anyway, and I'm being very flexible in accomodating her "condition", and she hasn't wanted to respond, visit the store, or anything to help make this easier. She also told me when I was planning a wedding for a high school project that I shouldn't let anyone tell me what to do. It's my day and I should do what I want.

Little Stressor #4: I fear that my new siblings don't want to spend time with us. I've always wanted older siblings, and now that I have them, we don't spend as much time with them as they do with other siblings or siblings-in-law. I take a lot of things personally, so sometimes this really hurts when I know that one of them has spent time with a brother or sister, but hasn't once asked to hang out with us.

Last week after dinner, I had a huge breakdown and vented to Josh. He let me vent, calmed me down, and told me (after he proved me wrong about not getting asked how wedding planning is) that none of those stressors are important, and none of that is the reason we're getting married or what the focus of our wedding should be. The wedding is about US and the fact that we are going to get up there in front of everyone and make a committment publicly. I felt much better after forgetting the true reason of the wedding: US!

To further reinforce this, I happened to be reading What No One Tells The Bride (which I'll be sharing about later, hopefully I'll finish it before the end of the month!) when I found a section in Chapter 2 called "Focus on What's Truly Important". Look at pages 53-56. It should automatically take you there.

My favorite parts are from the bottom of page 54 to the middle of page 55, and even the end of the section. Really, the whole thing is great.
"And when you affirm the marriage, when you say to another person, 'You are what matters to me most in the world,' and hear someone say it to you, love puts to shame our usual preoccupation with daily planners and 'to do' lists, with promotions and deadlines, even with stencils and catering menus. The power of saying 'We are' will take your relationship to places far better than your travel agent could ever recommend.
Did you have a breakdown before you remembered what was really important? Did you have to be reinforced another time before it sunk in?


  1. You are nottt alone!! I think there comes a point where it is easy to question EVERYTHING. Just remember it is about the marriage, not JUST the wedding :) I think you get that, but it is always good to be reminded. God is faithful and your day will be perfect in it's own, unique way!! YOU are the Bride :)

  2. Eek! I'm so sorry for all your troubles!! But I think you've definitely got the right attitude. Don't worry about pregnancy, other people's weddings or how much focus your wedding receives, you're the most important person to him and vice versa!
    For me, getting over what people thought was probably the toughest thing. We're both so excited for our wedding and it's hard to be excited and have people disapproving of the decisions you're so proud of at the same time. But eventually, I just remembered that it's what we think and feel at the end of the day that matters, not how ticked people are that there's no open bar, or that there's cupcakes instead of traditional cake. It's our wedding after all.

  3. Wow. Thanks for posting this! I have finally started to come out of my funk. I was having such a hard time feeling like no one cares about our wedding b/c Sean's cousin is getting married a month after us. Also, my FSIL just had a baby. Ever since Sean's parent found out they were going to be parents it feels like they don't care about our wedding at all! The only reason we are having the big wedding is for them! Ugh. I wish I had known how emotionally stressful all of this wedding stuff was going to be!

  4. @Ria & miss fancy pants: Thanks! It's so hard to remember all of those & just work on what's important, not the details.

    @Gen: I know! I wish I knew that too!


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